


Gusamine

by Haunt_Haunt_Haunt



Category: Letterkenny (TV), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon | Pokemon Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon Versions
Genre: Alola-chihou | Alola Region (Pokemon), And it Works Kinda, But Nanu Does, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Jonesy and Reilly Join Team Skull, Po Town is a Socialist Commune, Team Skull (Pokemon), Team Skull Don't Kink-Shame, Team Skull Don't Slut Shame, Team Skull is Doing Their Best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:35:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25453243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haunt_Haunt_Haunt/pseuds/Haunt_Haunt_Haunt
Summary: Reilly and Jonesy got saved by Team Skull, so now they want to be the best they can, much to Guzma's chagrin.
Relationships: Elite Trainer | Ace Trainer/Lilie | Lillie (Pokemon), Guzma/Lusamine (Pokemon)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 5





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so don't kink-shame or slut-shame. That said, Nanu is a bastard. I'm not trying to yuck on anyone's yum, here.
> 
> I own none of the things, but damn if it isn't hilarious.
> 
> It's not long, and really I broke it into chapters because of PoV shifts. I would suggest clicking the entire work button at the top of the page. Thanks!

“Hey boss, we need to talk.”

Guzma looked up from his old DS. He wanted to upgrade, but they were expensive. “K. Start talkin’.”

The grunts had come in pairs. They only ever come in pairs when they’re about to do something that could be seen as offensive. Two men can easily overpower just one, and the moral support was phenomenal, and it was standard procedure. That, and Plumeria instituted a buddy system a few months ago to help out the new grunts, and it was working pretty well.

“Well, it’s about your business.”

Guzma paused his Mario Kart and frowned. “If it’s my business and not your business, then why are you minding it?”

The grunts looked at each other, then the one that was being silent shrugged. The speaker crossed his arms and looked back at Guzma. “Uhh… What do you mean, boss?”

Guzma pinched the bridge of his nose. “I mean mind your own business, Jonesy. Fuck.”

Jonesy scratched at his arm. “Oh,” he said, making a horrible bovine noise. “Well, Reilly and I were mindin’ our own business… businesses? Business? Businessi?”

“It’s businesses,” Reilly whispered.

“Right. So we were minding our own businesses, but your Business is infringing on our businesses, and that makes your business my business and by extension our businesses.” He said, then frowned and looked down, nodding his head like he was repeating that back to himself, then nodded again.

Guzma frowned. “The hell are you yammering about?”

“Look boss, we’re not trying to slut-shame you, but your client is kind of a bitch.”

“My… My what? Who?”

“That uhhh… Shit, I don’t know her name,” Jonesy said and turned to Reilly. “Hey,” he said in a whisper that Guzma could totally hear.

“What bro?”

“Who’s the snipe in Gusamine? I don’t even know her name.”

“Fuck, bro. I don’t know. I never called her by name.”

“You were supposed to research it. We do our research before we confront. Did you not pay attention in Big Sis’ deescalation class?”

Guzma sighed. “Bois.”

“I’m not the one that wanted to do this. I’m just your buddy, buddy.”

“Well I’m not your pal, buddy.”

“I’m not your buddy, friend.”

“BOIS!” Guzma said loudly and they both jumped and looked at him. “Her name is Lusamine. Is there a problem with Lusamine?”

They rubbed at their heads. “Well, she’s kinda bougie, bro.”

“She’s kind of a bitch, bro.”

“Worst bitch, bro.”

“She talks down to us, bro.”

“Talks down real hard, bro.”

Guzma was getting irritated. It showed.

“Oh, he’s getting bulgy-vein, bro.”

“It’s bulgin’ real hard, buddy.”

“Bois,” Guzma said, interrupting this train. It wouldn’t stop on it’s own. “Lusamine is the reason y’all have hot showers down on the first floor. She paid the plumber.”

“No, see, boss,” Jonesy said. “We know that. We aren’t saying that she can’t come around, but maybe take your business outside of Shady House? There’s lots of places to go in Po Town.”

“Like, we get you want the best for your clients…”

“She’s my girlfriend, bois. Not my client.”

“No yeah, we get it. Not tryin’ to slap on labels, boss.”

“Labels are bad bro.”

“Labels are hurtful bro.”

“Like big sis says, bro.”

Guzma put his hands to his face and inhaled sharply. “Bois. Why do you keep calling her my client?”

“Well, for your job, boss. Again, not slut-shamin’ here. Just tryinta like, keep a respectful distance, bro.”

“We don’t slut-shame in Po Town, boss.”

“And what exactly is my business, bois?”

They looked at each other, but by the way their eyes dropped, they were probably frowning behind the masks. “Well,” Jonesy said. “Cause you’re a gigolo.”

Guzma blinked, and the room was completely silent except for the light sound of rain hitting the roof. There was a rumble of thunder a ways off.

“I’m… I’m what?”

“You’re… a gigolo, boss,” Reilly said.

“You’re fuckin’ her,” Jonesy said.

“She’s paying you,” Reilly said.

“Then she leaves,” Jonesy said.

“And she’s out of your league.”

“So out of your league. I think she’s slummin’, bro.”

“Totally slummin, but boss is doin’ this for all of us.”

“Ferda, bro.”

“Ferda.”

They fist bumped. Guzma still couldn’t believe what they just said.

“So yeah, boss. All we ask is that you don’t do it in the house no more. She’s awful.”

“Get out.”

“Uh… Boss? Look, there’s no reason to get upset.”

“If you two don’t get out of this room right now, so fucking help me--”

“Shit, bro. Fine. Hey Reilly, wanna get some sandos?”

“I’m starvin’ bro,” Reilly said walking out the door. Guzma just sat in disbelief. These fucking idiots. He picked back up Mario Kart and went back to Bowser’s Castle.


	2. Part Two

“This is Lillie.” Lillie said, answering the phone. She was sitting in the loft at Kukui’s, where she had been staying since the whole mess a few years ago. Gladion had offered to get her that old house on Melemele, but she’d gotten used to staying with Kukui and Burnet over the years. Now it felt like home. She was sitting at her desk working on her newest designs when her phone rang.

“Oh hey Jonesy! What’s up?” She asked.

She listened for a few seconds. “Yeah, I still do art.”

She listened for a minute. Her newest boyfriend (Of which there have been many) was laying on her bed with his boots hanging over the edge, playing with his phone. He was a blonde ace trainer that she met on Route 7. He sat up and watched her. Her eyes were sparkling like diamonds, and her hand was over her mouth.

“You’re sure? This isn’t a prank?”

She listened for a few more seconds. “Yeah, I’ll get them made. No problem. You can count on me, Jonesy,” she said cheerily then hung up with the phone. “Kukui!” She shouted scrambling down the stairs.

“Lillie! Slow down! You’ll fall!” Her boyfriend said, following her.

“Hey hey, slow down, sis. Where’s the fire?” Kukui asked, standing from his desk.

“So, I said I’d never ask for money again, but I need to buy a t-shirt press.”

He blinked at her. “Okay, no. Do you know how much those cost?”

“It’s for a good cause, Professor!” She said.

“Well, I don’t care how good the cause is. Are you going into the t-shirt business?”

She grabbed him by the front of his lab coat and yanked him down to her level, whispering in his ears, and his eyes lit up. Damn near sparkled. He stood, turned, grabbed his checkbook, and tore one out. “Here’s a blank check. You can take however much money you need to make this happen. Don’t tell Burnet.”

“You’re the best, Kukui!” She said then grabbed her new boyfriend by the hand. They had shopping to do, and she dragged him out into the beautiful Alolan sun.


	3. Part Three

“Guzma! You got mail!” Plumeria said. She opened his door and tossed a box at him. “Also, the grunts threatened the UPS guy, so we need to have a meeting or they’re gonna start dropping off our stuff with Nanu again, and he hates that.”

Guzma grunted, then looked at the box.

“Hey, I didn’t order anything from Snap Printing. Wait, isn’t that that company that Todd Snap owns?”

“I don’t know, Guzma. Maybe you got drunk,” Plumeria said with her hands up, then left, closing the door behind her. He frowned at the package. It was a box wrapped in brown paper. Simple and unassuming. He opened it, and it was a standard print box. He popped it open, and inside was a letter. He opened that first.

Hey Boss,  
We’re sorry we made you feel weird about your Business, so we got you something to show that we support you no matter what, and even ordered some shirts for the fam. We love you bro. Be the best hoe you can be.  
Reilly and Jonesy

His stomach dropped. He pulled out one of the business cards. ‘Guzma’s Escort Service. You fluff it, I stuff it.’

“WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK!” He shouted, then stormed out of the building, and met another horrifying sight. He skidded to a halt at the front door. There were sixteen grunts in a dab pose in front of the door, parted in the middle in two rows. It was kinda impressive. The worst part were the t-shirts.

They said ‘We support this hoe!’ in gold foil, then it had a stylized picture of a ripped Guzma. Like absolutely with abs and everything. He was kinda hot in the pictures. Then under it, also in gold foil, ‘Don’t mess with our gigolo!’

“What are you wearing?” Guzma asked.

“We support you boss! You like the rhyme? It took us all that afternoon,” Jonesy said from the group.

“YOU’RE ALL BANNED FROM THE BIG HOUSE! SLEEP OUTSIDE!”

“Oh shit boss, you hate it? We put up flyers and everything!”

Guzma went from anger to terror. “Wh… Where?” He asked in a near whisper.

“You know, everywhere, boss. All four islands. We want to help you succeed. Jonesy and I have volunteered to take all of your calls for your thriving business,” Reilly said.

Guzma just sat down, grabbing at his chest. The worst part, he couldn’t even be mad. They were being tolerant and accepting, just like he taught them to be. God, was he having a heart attack? What did those even feel like? He didn’t have health insurance, would they actually save him?


	4. Part Four

“You guys… Shut, shut up,” Nanu said between snickers. All the Kahunas had gathered.

“Hey Nanu, won’t they recognize your voice?” Olivia asked.

“Nah. I got this. Shh. It’s on speaker,” he said, then dialed the number on the flyer he’d found posted on the police board outside of his office. This was so fucking perfect. The phone rang a few times, then a guy, he sounded like Reilly, answered. Nanu could tell those dumbasses apart.

“Team Skull Escorts. How can we help you?”

Nanu cleared his throat, then spoke in a high pitched yet gravelly voice. “Hello, dear. I was looking for Guzma Escort services?”

Hala grabbed a pillow from the couch and put it on his face to muffle his laughing.

“Oh yeah, ma’am. This is the right place. See, a couple grunts wanted to support our boss in solidarity, so now we have a few people willing to do this, but Guzma is still available.”

This had just gotten a thousand times funnier, and Hapu bit her hand, squeezing her eyes shut. Tears were rolling from them.

“Oh, delightful. I was curious, I have a few proclivities, and I was wondering if any of them were prohibited,” Nanu continued. Olivia was trying so hard not to snicker. Nanu just smiled. He wasn’t one prone to fits of laughter, but he was definitely amused.

“Oh yeah, of course ma’am. I’d be happy to help you figure that out.”

“Oh good, well, I was wondering how he felt about feet?”

Hala got a little louder behind the pillow, and Olivia was choking.

“Well ma’am, we all have them. I can’t imagine he’d be against them.”

Nanu just put his elbow on his table and pressed under his eyes. Arceus, where did Guzma get these kids? “And how does he feel about old women?”

“Well ma’am, I don’t think he’s too picky. I mean, Lusamine’s like… eighty.”

Olivia started cackling and Nanu slammed down the button to hang up. They all started laughing so hard. This was good entertainment. Now, onto the actual meeting.


	5. Part Five

“Ugh,” Guzma said, laying back. Lusamine didn’t bother to cover her chest, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. She picked up her purse from the ground, a white Yves Saint Laurent, and pulled out her ‘bitch stick’ as Gladion called it. She stuck a cigarette on the end then lit it, taking a long drag. There was nothing like a post-sex cigarette.

“Babe, are you gonna at least take off your condom?” She asked, looking over at him.

“Nah,” he said, putting his arms behind his head.

“You’re disgusting,” she said.

“You’re still here.”

She shrugged.

“Hey babe?”

“Yeah?”

“Were any of the boys… weird, when you arrived?”

She frowned. “Yeah. They wouldn’t even look at me. Like they were scared of me.”

They damn well better have been. Guzma said that if he saw one single thing about him being a hoe, he was gonna kick their ass. There was a town meeting and everything. I guess the message got through. We were done with that shit.

“Alright. That’s good.”

She took another drag of her cigarette.

“How are things at the foundation?”

“Good. We managed to acquire some rights with the Safari Zone in Kanto to monitor their pokemon in the wild. The results are promising. We’re trying to follow their lead and introduce the same kind of simulated environs in labs across the globe.”

“Nice. Glad it’s going well.”

Lusamine nodded, then stamped out her cigarette. “Have you cleaned the shower?”

“I got a grunt to do it this morning.”

“May I use it?”

“Knock yourself out.”

She smiled and stood. “Oh!” She said, digging into her purse, then threw three hundred dollars on his chest. He frowned at it. “Uh… babe?”

“Your fee, Mr. Guzma. Thank you for your service,” she said, then cackled her way into the bathroom. Guzma frowned. Would this fucking nightmare ever end?


	6. Epilogue

Guzma was sitting on the beach. It was a good day to go to the beach. Plumeria came too, and so did a few of the grunts. Everyone was having a blast, and he was able to just recline and enjoy the sun.

“Hey, Plume,” he said.

“Yep?” Plumeria asked.

“Somethin’s been bothering me.”

“You have thoughts?”

“Easy,” he said, then frowned. “You remember last year when everyone thought that I was a gigolo?”

She resisted the urge to grin. “Oh, yeah. That was weird, huh?”

“I been thinkin’, it all started with Reilly and Jonesy. They were absolutely convinced, no matter what I said. Now, I know they aren’t too smart, but still, the planning and sophistication, with the t-shirts and the business cards… I think someone was egging them on.”

“Wow, Guzma,” Plumeria said, trying not to cackle. “Isn’t that a little paranoid?”

He frowned. “Maybe you’re right.” He said, then rolled in the chair. Plumeria stood up and made her way over to the two, who were talking. She wrapped her arms around them, pulling them into her tits.

“Hey boys!” She said, hugging them.

“Hey Big Sis. What’s up?”

“Nothing. You two are my favorites, you know that?”

“Uhh, thanks, but why?”

“You remember how you two figured out that Guzma was a prostitute?”

“We never could have figured it out without your help, Big Sis. I don’t know why he got so mad.”

“Some people are just weird. Wanna swim with me?”

“Hell yeah!” They said, and they all went into the water and enjoyed the warm water and oceanic breeze.


End file.
